Guilt
by AnnaGandalf
Summary: 'It was another life he had almost ruined, only chance keeping him from destroying it completely.' River is all the Doctor has left, but with both of them running from their own issues, will they be able to cope? Doctor/River (Spoilers ;) for everything up to and including TATM)
1. Chapter 1

**Guilt**

The Doctor could still remember when he first saw River's tattoo. It had been on one of the nights he had taken her from Stormcage, early in his time stream, maybe the fourth or fifth time for him.

She had gone to the TARDIS's wardrobe to change, and was taking ages, so he had gone looking for her. In hindsight he should have knocked, but knocking was boring, it ruined the surprise.

River was still changing as he entered, she was only wearing some black denim shorts and was pulling a white tank top on over a TARDIS blue bra.

The Doctor quickly clapped his hands over his eyes, but not before he spotted it, a dark mark marring her otherwise flawless skin. Removing his hand from his face, he looked closer, focussing on the string of twenty four small numbers forever inked on her skin.

The tattoo was just above River's right hipbone, it would have been completely covered if she had finished pulling her top down, but she had paused, leaving it just obscuring her bra, distracted by the Doctor walking slowly towards her, staring at it.

She didn't move as he approached, she had known this would happen one day. When he got close enough to her the Doctor gently traced the line of digits with his left thumb, causing a slight shiver to run through her body. 'River,' He asked. 'What is this?'

'My prisoner number.' She said quietly. '01010111 01101000 01101111, everyone at Stormcage has one.'

The Doctor looked up at her face. 'River, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault.' He took another step closer, leaving almost no room between them. 'You didn't do anything wrong, you shouldn't even be in that awful place.' He placed his right hand on the otherside of her waist, nearly enclosing her in his embrace. 'I can go to the Shadow Proclamation, if they found out I was alive you would be free.' Even as he said the words he knew it couldn't be true, he had seen older versions of River, it would create a paradox and rip a hole in the universe, he wished he could, but it would not happen.

River carefully raised her arms, placing them around his neck, to an outsider it would almost look like they were dancing.

'You know you can't Sweetie, you've attracted too much attention, grown too big. I can cope with Stormcage if it keeps you safe.' The Doctor tried to interrupt, argue against her, but she quickly shushed him, placing a finger to his lips. 'As I was saying; by keeping you safe, I protect the entire universe. Spending my days in prison is worth that, and the nights with you... well the nights alone would make it worthwhile.'

'You're right.' He replied, his voice filled with sadness, he hated picturing her there, alone in a dark cell. 'I wish you weren't.' He added in a whisper.

They stood there in silence, not moving, apart from River returning her hand to the back of his neck. They just looked into each other's eyes, both feeling as if they were staring into their partner's soul.

After a few moments had passed the Doctor leaned down, and gently pressed his lips to her's, the kiss started slow, but quickly became more passionate, more desperate.

The Doctor's hands spread from her hips, working their way up her back, pulling the thin white material with them. River lifted her arms and stepped back a little, allowing the Doctor to remove the top, once again revealing her bra.

'Have I ever told you how much I love anything TARDIS blue?' The Doctor asked, whispering in her ear, before pressing his lips to her neck.

'Spoilers.' River replied, her voice barely audible, as she started to undo his red bow tie.

* * *

That night had been a night of many firsts, for once their timelines had partially met up, allowing them both to explore each other for the first time, at the same time.

Months had passed since then, the Doctor thought, as he watched River sleep beside him, she was wearing one of his old t shirts, she had found it in the wardrobe, and a pair of red sleep shorts. The top had slid up slightly as she moved in her sleep, allowing the Doctor a clear view of her tattoo, it was that image that had reminded him of their first night together.

He could still clearly remember it all, he knew he would never forget it, not even if he lived for another thousand years. Every glorious detail was engrained in his brain, he could even picture the trail of clothes they had found the next morning, items dropped haphazardly as the pair had made their way to a bedroom. Neither had been entirely conscious of their actions at that point, both too consumed in the other to care.

He still felt guilty for the time she had spent imprisoned, even though she had now been pardoned. It was another life he had almost ruined, only chance keeping him from destroying it completely.

It had been four days since he had lost Amy and Rory, four days that he and River had spent in the TARDIS, not travelling, just floating in space, away from everyone and everything except each other.

It was almost like they were in mourning, even though they both knew that Amy and Rory were still alive in a manner of speaking, just in another time, another place. The Doctor was sure they were thriving, whatever they were doing. The Pond's; the girl who waited and the last centurion were together, they were sure to be unstoppable.

But even knowing all this didn't stop him from missing them, they were so good for him. He could still picture little Amelia looking up at him in her garden, the first face he saw in his new body, not knowing how much her life had just been changed.

They had been with him for so much, he knew he wouldn't just be able to let them go. It was like this with every companion, they always left, more often than not, not by choice, and every time it broke his hearts. At least Amy and Rory would be able to have a relatively normal life now, he would have to force himself to be content with that knowledge.

As much as he disliked it, he knew River would also be leaving him soon, not for good, not yet, but they had already spoken about it, two psychopaths really was too much for the TARDIS and their timelines wouldn't allow it.

He refused to let himself think of the time River would leave him forever, he was too raw with emotion to go there, it would surely break him.

Instead he sat up, and carefully, so as not to wake her, pressed a light kiss to River's tattoo. He gently got up, and after covering River with a blanket, left the bedroom.

It didn't take long for him to reach the TARDIS's library, he had never seen the need to move the swimming pool, he rather enjoyed swimming in the high ceilinged room, surrounded by books.

After almost an hour of swimming the Doctor started to feel more relaxed, he stopped his steady stroke and turned onto his back. Floating near the centre of the darkened pool, he stared upwards, looking at the black ceiling high above him. It was strange, the Doctor thought, it was now, while weightless, staring into nothing, that he felt most calm. Maybe that was why he enjoyed travelling through space so much.

He didn't stay there for much longer, he finally felt tired, completely drained in fact.

The Doctor dried himself quickly and pulled on a pair of black boxers, then made his way back to the bedroom, the floor of the TARDIS cold against his bare feet.

Entering the room quietly, so as not to wake a still sleeping River, he carefully crept into the bed and eased his partner into his arms, her back flush against his chest.

He buried his head in her soft, seemingly endless curls, he had been wrong earlier, this was where he felt most relaxed, here with River beside him.

* * *

River woke early the next morning, she was relieved when she felt the Doctor's arms still around her, the past few mornings she had awoken alone, the Doctor already up, brooding somewhere in the depths of the TARDIS. She was fairly certain he had not slept those last three nights, he always stayed until she was asleep, but there had been a couple of times when she had awoken in the middle of the night to find him gone.

River knew he was punishing himself, being self righteous in the way only he could. He hadn't shown her the afterword Amy had written, 'Spoilers' he had said, no hint of the normal smile on his face. She had an idea of what it said, her mother cared for the Doctor almost as much as she did, Amy would have tried to convince him to carry on.

It was not as bad for her, she would see her parents again, it would not be long before she would return to Manhattan and write the adventures of Melody Malone. But for the Doctor, he could never see them again.

River knew a bit about the guilt he felt, she knew it wasn't just Amy and Rory he had been thinking about, he had told her so many stories of his past companions, she felt like she almost knew them herself.

She sighed quietly, moving so she was pressed closer to the Doctor, her Doctor, she wished she could stay here in his arms forever.

It didn't take long for River to fall back to sleep, comfortable in the Doctor's embrace, as she slipped into unconsciousness she was greeted by a familiar scene.

Nightmares often plagued River's dreams, for as long as she could remember, even back when she was Melody. Well one nightmare in particular.

River was locked in a small, dark room, she had been there for weeks, it was back when she was still Melody Pond, still a child, maybe four or five years old. She had only had two visitors during her time in that room Madame Kovarian and a Silent, well she thought it was the same one, they were impossible to tell apart.

The next part of the nightmare became confused, blurring between many slightly different scenes, River had no idea which parts were real and which were caused by her imagination, but they all terrified her. Sometimes she would see the Silent stretching it's long arms towards her while it messed with her mind, other times she would be alone throughout, surrounded only by darkness and Madame Kovarian's evil laugh.

It was a side effect of the Silence, the confusion, they had altered her memory so much throughout her life that she often had trouble remembering.

On this night, as she slept in the Doctor's arms, River was not alone in the room, Madame Kovarian was talking about the Doctor, the lonely god who filled his time by destroying whole planets, erasing entire civilisations because he was bored. While Kovarian talked the Silent manipulated the thoughts inside River's head, willing her to believe the lies, making her feel pain if she tried to resist. They were conditioning her to be compliant, obedient and most of all to hate the Doctor.

* * *

The Doctor was still fast asleep, blissfully unaware of the trauma River Song was currently going through. That was until her small movements became more pronounced as she tried to fight off the monsters she saw within her dreams.

The Doctor quickly realised what was going on, he had had his fair share of nightmares before. Sitting up quickly, he smoothed the hair from River's face and gently caressed her cheek.

'River, you need to wake up.' He said in a soft, but serious voice, repeating himself when she didn't. He leaned closer and gently shook her shoulders. 'Wake up love.' He added more sternly.

Suddenly River jerked awake, shocked by the presence of someone above her, and still half gripped within her dream, River swiftly pushed against the stranger, rolling on top of them and pinning them down.

As she became fully aware she abruptly realised who it was, but not before one of her knees accidentally hit the Doctor between his legs. She quickly moved off of him.

'River.' The Doctor groaned from beneath gritted teeth, his body curling itself into the foetal position.

'Don't blame me.' River replied. 'You should know better than to wake someone while they're having a nightmare.'

He ignored her, only able to focus on the pain, even for a Time Lord it hurt like hell when kneed in the bollocks.

'I'll go and make some tea.' River said. 'You'll be fine by the time I'm back.'

River did feel bad for the Doctor, but she hadn't done it on purpose, he could cope. She would have stayed with him, but she needed a moment to herself. She hadn't had such a vivid nightmare in months, it had rattled her.

Making her way to the underused kitchen she contemplated her options, she could talk about it with the Doctor, but he was already feeling terrible and would invariably blame himself; once again claiming it was his fault she was kidnapped to begin with.

She would just have to cope, River decided, mend and make do, as the Earth phrase went. Hopefully the nightmares would not be as bad again, it was probably due to the stress of their current situation, there was no need to bother the Doctor.

When she returned to their bedroom, carrying two large mugs of tea, River found the Doctor sitting in the centre of the large bed, waiting for her.

'Feeling better Sweetie?' She asked, avoiding his gaze, she was certain she knew what he wanted.

'Much.' The Doctor said, carefully taking his tea from her. 'River we need to talk about what happened.'

River finally made herself meet his stare, concerned filled his deep, brown-green eyes.

'We don't need to talk about anything, I'm fine.' She stated firmly.

'You were not fine.' The Doctor replied just as firmly, he stood up, placing his mug on the bedside table, and stepped over to River. 'You had a nightmare, you said so yourself.' He gently took the mug from her hands and put it next to his own. 'Let me help.'

'It was just a nightmare, it probably wasn't even real.' River said reluctantly.

'What do you mean probably?' The Doctor asked instantly.

'I sometimes dream about the things that happened when I was a child, but I can't remember what happened properly. It's stupid really.' River tried not to let any emotion betray her true feelings, so as not to worry the Doctor too much, but she was unable to, completely powerless to stop tears from running down her cheeks.

The Doctor immediately embraced her, holding her tightly as she cried. 'It will be alright River.' He whispered, attempting to comfort her. 'It's over. They can't hurt you again. They won't. I promise.'

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**So what do you all think? First Doctor Who fic I've written, I have a idea of a way to continue it, anyone think I should?**

**Disclaimer: Don't own any of it, wish I did... but I can only dream :)**


	2. Chapter 2

River remained in the TARIS for two more days, they didn't talk about her nightmares again, not for the Doctor's lack of trying. She refused to speak of them again, completely ignoring the Doctor if he brought the matter up. If he didn't drop the subject River would resort to kissing him, making him forget what he had wanted originally. The Doctor was slightly ashamed of how well it worked, but River could be very persuasive.

After a couple of days and many awkward silences the pair mutually decided it was time to split up, at least for a while. They had been in each other's near constant company for nearly a week, significantly longer than ever before.

The Doctor dropped River back at the Lunar University, she planned to sort a few things out there, before returning to Manhattan.

As always their goodbye was strange, neither knew exactly when they would see each other again, and they had no idea which 'version' of themselves they would be meeting.

The TARDIS was parked around the back of the university, underneath the shelter of a large oak tree. River stepped out slowly, turning back to the Doctor, who had followed her to the entrance of his ship.

Neither spoke, instead choosing to share a long, slow kiss. As they separated their lips the Doctor closed his eyes, just for a few seconds, but when he opened them again River was gone.

He quickly closed the TARDIS door, and leaned his head against it. He ruined everything, why couldn't he do anything right? He couldn't be trusted, shouldn't be allowed to even try to help, he would just muck it up.

'Why. Does. It. Always. Go. Wrong?' He asked aloud, banging his head against the door to punctuate each word.

Feeling a bit better, the Doctor moved to the console.

'It's just you and me.' He said, laying his hand on the TARDIS's central column.

The Doctor pulled various leavers and inputted the spatial location of the small section of empty space he and River had occupied for the past six days.

However, as he went to pull the engine release handle, everything began to move, and not in a good way. The zig zag plotter was changing of it's own accord and the atom accelerator was spinning uncontrollably.

All of a sudden the TARDIS took off, hurling the Doctor across the vast room. Barely managing to get to his knees, the Doctor scrabbled to the nearest banister, holding on for dear life.

As quickly as it had begun, they landed with a bang. The Doctor instantly got up, running back to the console. When he reached it he pulled the scanner screen round towards him, he was on Galsec Seven, a small planet that had been colonised by humans in the twenty seventh century, it was now the the year 2871. Why would the TARDIS have brought him here, he wondered.

He tried to make them leave, he just wanted to be on his own, but all of the levers were stuck.

'What's here for me then Old Girl?' He asked the TARDIS, if she wasn't letting him go, there must be something there, he reasoned.

The Doctor opened the door to find himself outside a pub, wherever he travelled and found humans he always found a pub, in some capacity or other.

The Laser and Chisel looked similar to the kind of establishment you would find on twenty first century Earth, except for the hover tables, and some of the patrons did look decidedly non-human.

The Doctor sighed, he would have to go in; where as he often didn't end up precisely where he wanted, the TARDIS was pretty accurate, this must be where she wanted him to go.

'Wish me luck Sexy.' He said, before exiting and shutting the door.

The inside of the pub was just as the Doctor expected, small hovering table tops were dispersed randomly around the darkened room. Some floated pretty close to the ground and had chairs nearby, others were higher and had people leaning on them.

The Doctor made his way over to the bar, another hovering object, but this time made of a black, material that looked a bit like onyx.

He had sat down and ordered a whiskey, before he recognised the man seated at the opposite end of the bar.

Captain Jack Harkness was chatting to man, human in appearance, the guy looked about twenty five, but the Doctor couldn't be sure, plastic surgery was very advanced.

It felt like he hadn't seen the Captain in an eternity, in a way he hadn't, the Doctor had last seen him just before he regenerated, around two hundred years ago. Where as he had changed completely, the ex-time agent looked exactly the same, still wearing his long 'hero' coat and with the same charming grin.

The TARDIS's intentions were now obvious, Jack was the last of the Doctor's friends from before, the only one he could talk to. Jack was also someone who understood the pain of outliving everyone you loved, the Doctor was surprised he hadn't thought of him before.

The Doctor was unsure how to approach the Captain though, the last time they had met after a regeneration the Captain had spotted the TARDIS, he could go and wait by it he supposed, but knowing Jack it would be hours before he left.

He would have to take a more direct approach.

He downed his whiskey, one of the few alcoholic drinks he could tolerate, and ordered another two, asking the barman to give one to Jack.

As the Captain received the drink, he looked up to thank the person who sent it, upon seeing the Doctor he stood and made his way towards him.

'Have you got a name?' Jack asked, his voice full of seduction. 'So I can thank you properly.'

The Doctor almost chuckled, despite his mood. 'I have many names.' He replied mysteriously. 'If you come outside with me, I might tell you one of them.' The Doctor was unable to stop a small smirk from creeping onto his face, but luckily Jack took it to be a flirty, coy expression.

'Of course.'

The pair stood and made their way to the door.

'So you promised me a name...' Jack began to say, before he spotted the TARDIS, still parked barely twenty metres away. 'Doctor. Is it really you?'

The Doctor merely nodded, he could see that Jack was still working it all through in his head.

After a few seconds of silence Jack spoke up. 'You look awfully young, how many times have you regenerated since I last saw you?'

'Only once.'

'And where's your companion, I hope it's another sexy blond, or brunette or red head. Actually I don't mind, you always seem to have exceptionally good taste.' He winked, a huge grin on his face.

The Doctor's mood darkened instantly. 'I'm not travelling with anyone, not at the moment. Not any more.'

'Has there been anyone since Donna?' Jack asked, his voice quiet.

The Doctor had had to tell Jack about the situation with Donna, it had been vital that she never saw anyone that she could recognise from her life with him, Jack had been able to organise it for him.

'Yes, I travelled with a couple, Amy and Rory and we...' The Doctor paused, his voice catching. 'And I don't think I can talk about this.'

'I understand.' Jack said, having seen the still darkening look on the Doctor's face he changed the subject. 'Can I see the TARDIS? It's been forever since I've spoken to the Old Girl.'

'Come on in.' The Doctor answered halfheartedly, his head once again full of memories as he unlocked the door and stepped aside to let Jack enter.

'Wow.' Jack whistled. 'Someone's been busy.' The Captain slowly made his way up to the console, and circled it, examining all the new gadgets and gizmos. 'It's like... it's... it's even bigger on the inside.' He struggled to describe the changes that had happened since the last time he had been inside the ship.

As the Doctor watched Jack marvel at the TARDIS he felt something burn hot in his pocket, he immediately pulled out his psychic paper.

'Shit.' He swore, as he read the message it held.

Help me Sweetie.

Something isn't right.

X

'Doctor, what's wrong.' Jack asked straight away, he had never heard the Doctor swear before.

The Doctor ran to the console, hurriedly pulling levers as he answered Jack's question. 'River's in trouble, she's my wife, well kind of, she will be, someday, it's complicated.'

Jack stood stock still, shocked. 'Your wife?'

'I'll explain later. Hold on.'

The TARDIS entered the vortex with a jolt, the two men just able to remain standing. Seconds later they landed, the Doctor sprinted to the door and threw it open. They were exactly where he had dropped River off, only five minutes had passed since then.

The Doctor ran out of the TARDIS heading for the university, Jack just behind him.

He had been to River's room at the university a few times before, so at least knew where to go.

As he reached her door his face fell, the door was open, but the room was clearly empty. As he entered the room fully he noticed an open laptop placed in the centre of River's bed.

When he stepped in front of it a familiar face appeared on the screen.

'Well well Doctor, too late again. Have you spotted the pattern yet?' Madame Kovarian's smug voice filled the room. 'Once again Melody Pond is in my control, and there is nothing you can do about it.'

Before the Doctor could reply the screen went black, he collapsed to his knees, this couldn't be happening again.

Jack watched as his friend fell to the floor. 'Doctor what's going on?'

'They've got River.' The Doctor said.

'Who have?' Jack asked, but the Doctor ignored his question.

'I promised it was over, that she'd be safe. I won't lose anyone else.' The Doctor and turned to face Jack. 'I have to save her.'

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**Thanks to doctah-who, leilasand, yawsummer and hellosweetie321 for reviewing the first chapter, I hope you enjoy this one too :)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Doctor Who it would never not be on TV...**


	3. Chapter 3

River had headed straight for her room after leaving the Doctor, she wanted some time to herself before she had to meet with her mentor, Professor Bryant.

It didn't take long to reach her room, it was on the second floor, looking out on to the grounds of the university. She had asked for one with a window when she had first come to the university, she had wanted somewhere that could completely contrast her cell at Stormcage.

Just after entering her bedroom River suddenly forgot what she had planned to do, she turned round to see her door still wide open. As she put her hand out to pull it closed she noticed a collection of small, red half crescents emblazoned on her palms, as if she had just clenched her fists incredibly tightly.

Something wasn't right, she knew it in her gut. River closed her eyes and thought hard, sending a short message to the Doctor's psychic paper. She pulled the door to and then twisted back around.

She screamed, a pair of Silents were standing in her room.

River went to grab her gun, but they were too fast for her, the left most creature quickly raised it's arm and a bolt of electricity flowed from it's fingers, hitting River straight in the chest. She fell to the floor, still screaming from the pain. She could only watch, her eyes wide with fear, as they advanced towards her, when they were less than a foot away she blacked out.

* * *

River awoke in a room that could have come straight from her nightmares, it was cold and pitch black, the floor was damp. Her entire body ached as she lay there with her back against the wall. As always the Silents had drawn all her energy, leaving her exhausted and barely able to remain conscious.

She had no idea how long she had been there, and had no way of knowing how long she waited, her thoughts consumed by the residing pain.

Out of nowhere a door slid open, flooding the room with light.

It turned out that everything in the there was white, a bright, clinical white. The abrupt change in brightness made River's eyes burn and she immediately snapped them shut.

She blinked slowly, trying to help her eyes adjust, and watched, as if in strobe lighting, as Madame Kovarian entered.

'Melody Pond, it's been a long time, you didn't think we had forgotten about you did you?' Madame Kovarian asked as she stepped closer to River. 'Your precious Doctor thought he could fool us, how arrogant he truly is, our order spans the stars, one of our associates was inside the very Teselecta he used.'

Her evil laugh seemed to permeate River's every cell, sending shivers down her spine as she remembered everything this woman had done to her as a child.

'I'd better reunite you with all your old friends Melody, they practically used to be your family.' As she spoke seven Silents entered the room. 'Did you miss them?'

River cowered away from them, the aching in her bones aiding her memory as she remembered the pain they always caused her.

She had to be strong, she thought, closing her eyes she reached out with her mind, searching again for the psychic paper.

'Oh no Melody.' Kovarian said, pressing one of her pointed heels firmly onto one of River's hands, forcing her to gasp with pain and open her eyes. 'No more little psychic messages between you and the Doctor, this room acts like a Faraday Cage, no signals of any kind, in or out.'

Kovarian lifted her shoe slightly and let River begin to pull away, before stamping down harder, a loud crack rang through the room as one of the bones in River's hand broke.

'If you hadn't wasted all of your regenerations saving your Doctor you would be able to fix that.' She laughed and finally removed her foot. 'This time we will break you properly Melody. You will kill the Doctor.'

They all left and once again the room plunged into darkness. River cradled her hand to her chest and tried to breath through the pain.

The Doctor would come for her, she thought, he always came when she called.

* * *

The Doctor had never fully understood how River was able to send messages to his psychic paper. He was sat on the centre of River's bed, where the laptop had been, with his eyes closed. He tried picturing River Song, Timelords used to be renowned for their telepathic abilities, but right now the Doctor could feel nothing.

Jack was busy asking the other people who lived on this corridor if they had seen anything or heard anything, but the Doctor already knew what they would say. They wouldn't be able to remember anything out of the ordinary.

The Captain returned after a few minutes and proceeded to confirm the Doctor's suspicions.

'Doctor you need to explain what's happened.'Jack said, his voice forceful. 'I can't help if I don't understand.'

The Doctor took a deep breath before replying.

'I first met River Song when I had my last body, she knew all about me. We've been meeting ever since, but never in the right order, a few months ago I found out who she was. She's the daughter of my previous companions.' The Doctor paused, then forced himself to continue. 'Rory and Amy, I mentioned them earlier. They named her Melody, but she was taken from them by an order called The Silence.'

'I've never heard of them.' Jack said.

'You wouldn't have, they use other races to get what they want with out them even knowing. They tried to brainwash River, turn her into a weapon, a weapon with a solitary purpose, to kill me. But it didn't work, as you can see, River fought back, she beat them, we beat them.'

'And now she's your wife?' Jack asked incredulously.

'Ah.' A wry smile briefly crossed the Doctor's face. 'That's where it gets even more complicated. You should probably forget I said that.'

'Consider it done.' Jack replied quickly, storing it away for when this debacle was over. 'So this order, The Silence, they've taken her again?'

'It would appear so.'

'But why?' Jack was confused. 'If River's already shown she won't kill you, what's the point?'

'I'm not sure.' The Doctor said, staring off into the distance. 'But I know who we can ask.'

* * *

Since the events of Demon's Run, Colonel Manton's life had been on a downward trajectory. He had been forgotten by the order and shunned by the clerics, eventually he had been forced into 'early retirement', and was abandoned in a small cottage on Sto, in the Cassavalian Belt.

His life was dull there, filled with a boredom that was only punctuated by irritating neighbours. The colonel despised them, they were always asking questions about his past.

He hated thinking about it, it hadn't been his fault, Madame Kovarian had just used him as the scapegoat, content to leave him to rot on this god forsaken planet.

It had been seventeen months since he was unceremoniously dropped in this place, and he had managed to alienate himself from everyone. In some ways he considered it an achievement, as he made his way to the shop no one spoke to him. There were no more irritating questions, but he had started to miss the interaction.

Colonel Manson was paying very little attention to his surroundings, something he would shortly regret, when a tall, dark haired man appeared at his side.

'Come with me Colonel.' The stranger said with an authoritative tone.

Before he could protest Colonel Manson found himself pushed into an alleyway on his left.

'Colonel Runaway, it's been a while.' A voice said from the shadows.

'My name is Colonel Manson.' He replied, unable to keep the quiver from his voice.

'No it isn't.' The Doctor stepped into the light. 'You became Colonel Runaway the day you helped steal Melody Pond.'

The Doctor moved towards the Colonel before shouting. 'Now tell me, where have they taken her this time.'

'I don't know.' The Colonel answered quietly. 'The Silence dropped me after Demon's Run, didn't even thank me for the all the work I put in.' He added under his breath.

'You think you deserved thanks.' The Doctor was livid. 'Thanks for ruining countless lives?'

'You won't do anything, you're a peaceful man.' The Colonel taunted. 'You think you can talk about ruining lives, I am nothing because of you.'

The Doctor stepped back. 'You're right, I won't, but I don't think you've met my friend, Captain Jack Harkness, ex head of Earth's Torchwood Institution. He's used to getting information out of hostile enemies.'

The man who had pushed him into the side street moved forward.

'Okay, okay.' Manson said, as he saw the large gun fastened at Jack's hip. 'I don't owe them anything anymore. Madame Kovarian was always fond of back up plans, she spent months gloating about how she couldn't possibly fail. If the child failed to complete it's task at Lake Silencio, she would be left alone, left until she had no one but you left and then shown the error of her ways.' He grimaced slightly at this thought, Kovarian was fond of punishments. 'Finally her allegiance would be only to The Silence, and she would be primed to kill you, once and for all.'

'Where?' The Doctor asked desperately. 'Where was the reeducation set to take place?'

'Kovarian spoke of contacts on Arcadia, that is all I know.' Colonel Manson had been slowly backing away from the Doctor, until his back hit the wall of the alley. 'That is all I know, I promise you.' He repeated.

'It better be.' The Doctor said before turning to leave, before he moved away he turned back to Manson. 'You have met some of the people who owe me favours, if I ever find out you have lied to me, trust me, you will be meeting more of them.'

The Doctor strode out of the alley, Jack following just behind.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**Hope you enjoy, quick question, does anyone think I need to up the rating? I'm not sure... :)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Doctor Who there would be a fez in every episode...**


	4. Chapter 4

River refused to let herself sleep, she had already lost almost any advantage she could have had, she would not give them anything more.

Instead she spent her time trying to improve her mental protections, her Time Lord DNA allowed her more control than other normal humans, but it was still painstakingly difficult.

She lay there, curled in a ball to try to conserve some body heat, and attempted to concentrate. It was not easy, both the pain in her hand and the cold in her bones made it difficult to focus.

River had no idea how long she stayed there, withdrawn inside her mind. It was hard to explain what she tried to do, it was if her mind, while infinitely large, had 'walls' around it. Walls that she had to repair, to strengthen and improve.

It was not a perfect art, but it was the only thing River could think of to do. She was still too exhausted to explore her prison, and she knew it would be futile, Madame Kovarian was always one step ahead, she would have left River with no chance of escape.

Her only chance was to wait for the Doctor, she was sure he would come. She just had to stay strong, not allow herself to be corrupted.

River felt starving when she finally pulled herself out of her mind, she guessed she had been in the room for at least a day. Just as she wondered if they intended she die from dehydration, the wall slid open.

River made to stand, she wanted to face her enemy on her feet. She had barely made it to her knees however, when one of the entering Silents hit her with a beam of pain, she instantly collapsed back to the floor.

'How are you feeling Melody?' Madame Kovarian asked, her voice dripping with disdain. 'Oh, but wait, that is not the name you go by anymore. Did they ever tell you, about the girl who helped give you your name?' Kovarian paced slowly across the small room. 'Lorna Bucket was a sweet girl, innocent until she met the Doctor, like so many of them are. Then he used her, and subsequently ruined her life. And yet she still gave herself to help him.' Kovarian stopped right in front of River and crouched down. 'The Doctor caused her death, and she is just one of hundreds.'

She rose to her feet again. 'But we've told you all this before Melody.' She continued. 'You just can't quite remember, we can help you with that.' One of the Silents began to approach River. 'Maybe when you can remember what the Doctor let happen to you, when you were just a child, you'll realise the truth.' She smiled sweetly, but it did not quite reach her eyes. 'We just want to help you Melody, give you a chance to get back at the man who ruined you.'

The Silent had now reached where River lay, ignoring her protests it extended one finger and touched River's temple. Instantaneously a swarm of memories flooded River's mind, the defences she had built earlier proving utterly useless.

River was so consumed by the past, that she didn't notice Kovarian and the Silents leave.

The memories were unbelievably clear, and River was forced to watch each of them as they implanted themselves back in her mind.

She was four and Kovarian was upset with her progress, River could feel the pain coursing through her body as if it was happening to her again.

Then she was in the orphanage, she was made to watch as Dr Renfrew was tortured by the Silents, sometimes they even made him hurt himself. Dr Renfrew had always been kind to her, but there was nothing she could do to help him.

On and on it when, River relived hundreds of memories, each as bad, if not worse, than the one before.

After she was finally finished, River retched, throwing up the small amount of food left in her stomach. She curled herself back into a ball, she didn't want to think anymore, it was too painful.

She let herself drift off to sleep, for once the contents of her nightmares could be no worse than the things she was seeing in her conscious mind.

* * *

The TARDIS landed in Arcadia without a problem, even at the right time. They had got there three days after River had been taken, the Doctor didn't know how long it would have taken Kovarian to get there and didn't want to get there too early, in case he caused her to head somewhere else instead. However that was where the Doctor's luck ran out.

He hadn't been to Arcadia in millennia, long before humans had colonised the planet. It had changed completely, and he had no clue where to start looking.

Jack had gone off to meet with a couple of people he knew, hoping to find out about any odd goings on.

The Doctor was still in the TARDIS, using the scanner, looking in vain for any kind of sign. He had no real way of knowing if River was actually on Arcadia, just Colonel Manson's word. The Doctor only trusted him because he had seen the hatred in Manson's eyes, he hated Kovarian for what she had taken from him. Something the Doctor and he had in common.

Nothing. The scanner showed nothing. The Doctor swung the scanner around the console in his fury. He had to find River, he would not stop trying, not ever, not like he had with Melody.

A solitary tear ran down his cheek, he had satisfied himself with the knowledge that the baby would grow up to be River Song. He had convinced himself that her childhood could not have been that bad, but in the back of his mind he always knew he had been wrong. River's nightmares had confirmed it. He had left a child in the care of a maniac, abandoned Melody to deal with unknown torments. He wouldn't let it happen again.

The Doctor left the TARDIS and headed for the centre of Thatchit, the capital city of Arcadia. He still had no idea where to look, but he had to do something, he couldn't cope with waiting in the TARDIS until Jack returned, he hated feeling so useless.

As he reached the centre of the city, his hope began to diminish, Thatchit was huge, and only of the many cities on Arcadia. Kovarian would have had to come here originally, if they were on Arcadia, the planet's only space port was here, but there had been plenty of time for River to have been moved.

He made his way towards Thatchit library, he may be able to find some information there.

It didn't take long for the Doctor to break through the various security systems and access the city's official database.

The Doctor quickly spotted something of interest, a Jathaa Sunglider had docked the previous day, with only two occupants; however he knew four people were needed to fly a Sunglider, it was impossible with any less. He also remembered that the Jathaa civilisation had been one of the races the Silence had influenced in Mutter's Spiral, a galaxy otherwise known as The Milky Way.

The Doctor almost cheered, he had found something, he was one step closer to rescuing River, but then he remembered, Sungliders were extremely fast, River would have been here for at least two days.

Using his sonic screwdriver he sent all the relevant information to the TARDIS, and then ran from the library, he needed to find Jack.

* * *

Jack had had little luck with his contacts, he hasn't been expecting much, but still he had hoped.

He knew the Doctor needed something useful, he had never seen him so down heartened before, not in any of his incarnations. But then he never really knew much about the Doctor, although Torchwood had been initiated to stop him, it had very little solid information about him.

All his associates had known were rumours of a woman, an evil woman who revelled in torture. They did not know her name, but had heard she effected people's memories. Apparently the people who claimed to have met her were always confused, and had injuries they couldn't remember getting.

Jack knew he wasn't going to tell the Doctor this, he would mention the rumours she was here, but nothing more. Jack had died in hundreds of painful ways, but nothing hurt more than watching someone you love in pain.

Jack wanted to let the Doctor live with some level of ignorance for as long as possible. His friend was going through enough as it was.

Jack was nearing the TARDIS when he spotted the Doctor running towards the ship.

'Doctor, what's happened?' He shouted, taking the Doctor by surprise.

The Doctor span around, looking for Jack, and nearly fell over. Quickly regaining his balance, he ran towards the Captain.

'Did you find anything out?' He asked desperately.

'She's definitely been here, but that's all I learnt.' Jack replied.

'I think I found something.' A slightly manic grin was on the Doctor's face. 'Come into the TARDIS and I can show you.'

The pair entered the ship, and the Doctor grabbed the scanner, pulling up the information he had found.

'This must be them.' He said, pointing to the entry about the Sunglider. 'It says they were carrying some crates headed for the Waxchi warehouse, it could be the cover Kovarian's using. We have to check it out.'

As the Doctor started preparing the TARDIS for flight, Jack got out his gun, about to check it was still functioning correctly.

'No, no guns.' The Doctor said firmly.

'Still?' Jack asked. 'Fine, I'll set it to stun.' He added quickly after seeing the look on his friend's face.

The Doctor gave no indication that he had heard Jack, he was too absorbed in his task. It was only a matter of seconds before they took off.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**Hope you read, enjoy and review! :-)**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I still don't own Doctor Who, I'll have to wait until my next birthday and wish again...**

**Side Note: If anyone isn't currently obsessed with The Lizzie Bennet Diaries... Why not? They're amazing!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Warning: Violence - quite a bit of violence in this chapter, consider yourselves... um... warned?**

River woke, for the second time in her cell, as the door opened. Three Silents entered and forced her to her feet, she could barely stand, both exhausted and dehydrated she swayed where she stood.

A Silent on either side of her, River was made to leave the small room. As they pushed her down the bleak corridor, River tried to note anything of importance, anything that could tell her where she was, or help her to escape.

But there was nothing, the walls were bare and nondescript, the floor was uncarpeted and they passed no other doors. The group, slowed by River's unsteady pace, finally reached the end of the corridor and went through a dark, wooden door.

The room they entered was massive, it appeared to be some kind of warehouse, River thought. There were a few crates to the side of the door they had come through, but that was all River could see, the light too dim to even see the other walls of the large room.

The Silents, however, were unperturbed by the darkness, and continued to force River further towards the centre of the space. As they advanced more dim lights flickered on and River began to pick out more details, she could just make out the large up and over doors at the far side of the room.

They eventually stopped when they reached a table, in what appeared to be the very centre of the room.

'Restrain her.' A voice rang out from the darkness. Immediately the Silents grabbed River's arms and pushed her down, wresting her wrists and ankles into the bindings on the table. River fought them off as best she could, kicking at them and punching with her good hand. But it was no good, there were three of them and she was tired, unarmed and injured.

Once she was secured the Silents stepped back, River could hear the clacking of heels that accompanied Madame Kovarian's approach.

'How are you feeling Melody? Reminiscing about the old times, all the fun we had together?' She had reached River now, standing above her head.

River bucked her body forward, trying futilely to get away, but the bonds were too tight.

Madame Kovarian, with a false sense of caring, brushed some hair from River's dirty face.

'Don't touch me.' River shouted, still attempting to move away. 'The Doctor will come. He'll make you pay.'

'It's been two days Melody, and you're precious Doctor hasn't shown up. He doesn't care that you're with us.' Kovarian moved even closer, her face just inches from River's. 'Just like last time.' She said slowly.

'Yes he does.' River said defiantly, and then she spat in Kovarian's face.

Kovarian screeched. 'You wretched child.' She slapped River hard. 'Your Doctor's been teaching you bad habits.' Kovarian hit her again. 'You are not important, you're just a resource, a weapon in the never ending war between the Doctor and the rest of the Universe.'

Kovarian moved away from River. 'It's time you learnt some respect.' She said as she disappeared back into the darkness.

* * *

River didn't know when she had passed out, but once again she awoke in her cell, at least that's where she thought she was, it was still pitch black.

Unlike when she was a child, she could still remember the whole ordeal. The Silents had hurt her for what felt like hours, they seemed to enjoy varying the places they hit her, and the intensity with which they did so.

River was sure she would have cigarette style burns, from the more focused bolts of electricity, covering her body. Other beams had felt like they touched every section of her skin, burning like she had been dropped in boiling water.

The last thing she could remember was two more Silents joining the three that were already surrounding her, and adding there power and pain to the mix.

With the gaps in her memory now filled, River was sure there had never been a 'session' like this in the past. They used to hurt her, but never for prolonged periods of time, it had been more similar to the electroconvulsive therapy they had on Earth in the 1940's. This, on the other hand, was blatantly torture.

River could remember Madame Kovarian talking of breaking her, it appeared this was her chosen method.

River was no longer sure how long she would be able to hold out, what if Kovarian was right, she wondered, what if the Doctor wasn't coming.

She tried to move herself into a sitting position, to be able to better assess any damage. But even this simple movement sent a massive wave of pain through her body, causing her to lose consciousness again.

* * *

She was again strapped to the table, when River regained awareness, this time Kovarian stayed at her side through the torture, and the intensity of the pain seemed to have dropped a small amount, she was still just able to think through it.

Kovarian spent the time whispering in River's ear as her body convulsed from the pain.

'You can't trust him Melody.' She would say.

'He's always felt sorry for you, pitied you because you were broken.'

'He's not coming, he never will, he doesn't care.'

River tried to ignore the words, but it was difficult, she began to doubt. Madame Kovarian seemed to sense this, and began to voice some of River's fears. She would motion to the Silents and they would stop briefly, allow her to speak and then ht again, harder, hammering the message home.

'He loved your parents, not you, he's only with you because of a sense of duty.' She hissed.

'He'll just find a new companion, leave you behind.' Kovarian said, her eyes glinting as she knew her plan was starting to work. 'Who knows, maybe he already has.'

'Stop it.' River screamed, for what felt like the thousandth time. This time however, Kovarian listened.

Madame Kovarian snapped her fingers, and the pain abruptly stopped. 'Okay Melody.' She moved over River, so River could see her face. 'We'll give you a chance to think things through.'

In an almost gentle manner, Kovarian unbound River's wrists and placed a bottle of water on the table, by her waist.

'You can stay here while you consider your options.' Kovarian said. 'It will make things... easier. Whatever you decide.'

The group left, abandoning River in the centre of the warehouse, but leaving the dim lights on.

River forced herself up, she needed to drink some of the water, hopefully it would help her think.

Gritting her teeth against the pain, she eventually made it into a sitting position and managed to open the water with her unbroken left hand. She made herself only sip the water, knowing that if she drank too much too quickly she would throw up.

As she drank she thought about what Kovarian had said. Without the distraction of the pain, River knew that the woman had been lying, the Doctor cared for her, of course he did. She wouldn't betray him, she couldn't, she loved him too much. She would happily give herself for him, in any way needed.

It seemed that the instant she had come to this decision the lights in the large room brightened, and Kovarian and the Silents returned, there were seven of them this time.

'Melody will you help us?' Madame Kovarian asked. 'Help us destroy the man that caused this to happen to you.'

River took her time before replying. 'Do you know why so many people give their lives for the Doctor?' She asked, not expecting a reply. 'It's because from the moment you meet him, you know just how good he is.' She paused again, watching Madame Kovarian's face fall as she realised her plan was failing. 'I. Will. Never. Help. You.' River said each word clearly, loud in the silence in the room.

'Wrong decision.' Kovarian said sweetly, a grin back on her face. 'You were always dispensable Melody, it was just much more fitting if it were you who killed the Doctor.'

After a signal, unseen by River, one of the Silents shot a beam of electricity at River, making the archaeologist scream. Then another joined the first, and another, the pain increasing exponentially each time.

'When she passes out, take her back to her cell, leave her to rot.' Kovarian said as she turned and walked away.

Eventually all seven of the Silents were attacking River, the pain was so great River felt she was being burnt alive. It did not take long for her to black out.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**Hope you enjoy, DFTBA!**

**Disclaimer: I do/don't own Doctor Who. (Delete as appropriate.)**


	6. Chapter 6

Jack had to stop the Doctor from rushing out of the TARDIS when they reached the Waxchi warehouse. He had barely parked, before he ran for the door, only prevented from leaving by Jack quickly grabbing him.

'You can't just run in there, unarmed, without a plan.' The Captain said.

'But she's been there for two and a half days Jack, they could have done anything in that time.' The Doctor said desperately. 'We can't waste time planning.'

'We don't even know if she's in there. If we just rush in we could ruin everything, scare them off.' Jack had lost people before due to his lack of planning. 'We need to think things through.'

'Fine.' The Doctor agreed reluctantly, he moved back towards the console and sank down on the stairs. 'But we can't take too long.'

'Of course not. Now where are the scanners on this thing now?' Jack asked, also heading for the console.

'Red flicky things, and then it displays on the screen.' The Doctor replied halfheartedly.

'Doctor.' Jack scolded. 'You can't start moping, I need you, River needs you, you must be firing on all cylinders.'

After taking a deep breath the Doctor leapt up, forcing himself to pretend nothing was wrong, imagining it wasn't River in danger, but some unknown person. He quickly rattled off a couple of messages and checked a few readings before pulling the scanner towards him.

He quickly scanned the building, nine signs of life were showing, seven of which had a significantly lower body temperature. The Silents no doubt.

'Jack.' He called the Captain over to him. 'If you adjust that green disc, you should be able to get the sound from in there.'

The Doctor watched the scanner screen, which was still showing an infrared, heat map of the building. As he stared one of the hotter signals split off from the rest of them, leaving eight in the centre of the large warehouse.

If River was in there, the Doctor doubted she was the one walking away, so she must be the one in the very centre of the room, surrounded be the seven Silents.

'Jack.' He said, his voice raised. 'We have to get in there.'

'Just a second Doc.' Jack said back, still fiddling with the disc. 'There, got it.'

Suddenly a loud screaming filled the TARDIS, Jack had got the sound to work.

This time, Jack didn't stop the Doctor as he sprinted for the door.

'Just make sure you keep looking at them Jack, turn away and you'll forget why you're there.' The Doctor said, as they both ran towards the warehouse.

The Doctor had spent long enough looking at the plans to know there was only one easy way in. He could already see the large garage style doors at the front of the building, but they would take too long to open. They were instead headed towards a smaller, normal sized door at the side.

It only took a couple of minutes to reach the wire boundary surrounding the warehouse. Jack quickly pulled a device from his pocket and began cutting through, but it was slow work.

The Doctor waited, bouncing on the balls of his feet, trying not to picture River, futilely attempting not to imagine what they must be doing to her, to make her scream in such an ear piercing way.

Finally the hole was big enough and first the Doctor and then Jack scrabbled through, both immediately charging towards the building.

They only slowed when they reached the door, the Doctor swiftly pulled out the Sonic and the lock clicked. Jack reached forward and quietly pulled the door open. They had just reached the first turn of the corridor, when they heard footsteps.

* * *

Madame Kovarian strode briskly away, the Silents would be able to hold off the the intruders while she made her escape. She had already grabbed everything of importance from the office she was using, and was hurrying along a corridor when something exploded at her feet, she tried to continue, to run, but found herself hitting an invisible barrier. She turned in a circle, there was some kind of force field surrounding her.

'Madame Kovarian, I don't think you've encountered my, my... my force field bomb before, no that's a terrible name.' The Doctor said, a wide smile on his face, as he appeared from the shadows. 'No matter, I invented it, under an alias of course, Smith's Temporary Confinement, ooh I like that.' The Doctor shook his head, mentally scolding himself, he was getting off topic again.

'But the most important thing about it is.' He continued, circling the trapped woman. 'If I use this.' He held up his sonic screwdriver for Kovarian to see. 'And my TARDIS, it turns into a teleport. I've told the Shadow Proclamation to expect you, they owe me a couple of favours you see.' For a second the Doctor was glad Jack had made them wait, he had just had time to send off a short message to the Shadow Proclamation, foreseeing that they would be in need of some sort of assistance.

The Doctor moved as close to Kovarian as the barrier would allow. 'This is what happens when you cross me, I hope you are prepared for a life in purgatory, it is more than you deserve.'

A flash of fear crossed Kovarian's face before she schooled her expression.

'You're too late Doctor.' She said callously. 'You're women is already broken, listen to her screams.' Kovarian laughed evilly.

She was still laughing as the Doctor teleported her away.

'She'll be fine Doctor.' Jack said, trying to sound reassuring. 'Let's go get her.'

The Doctor nodded, and not bothering to reply verbally, began to run again.

In less than a minute they burst into the large room, the lighting was dim, but not necessary to know where to go, once again they could hear River's screams.

They hurtled towards the centre of the room, the Doctor saw River, bound to a table by her feet, her entire body convulsing as she shrieked. Seven Silents were surrounding her, all of them shooting her with beams of electricity.

As the Doctor and Jack approached, two of the Silents turned, but Jack quickly stunned them with his gun.

'I'll deal with them Doctor, you get River.' Jack shouted over the chaos, all of the Silents had noticed them now.

The Doctor didn't need telling twice, he continued running towards River, but had to duck to avoid a stream of electricity shot by one of the remaining Silents. He approached again, more cautiously this time, he was metres from her when he was hit from behind, a flash of pain spread out from the small of his back, and he dropped to the floor. Abruptly it stopped, Jack had stunned the Silent.

'Careful Doc.' Jack shouted, pulling him back to his feet.

There will still two Silents on their feet, but Jack was taking care of them. The Doctor quickly reached the table River was on, she was no longer convulsing, but her body was still twitching, he couldn't tell if she was still conscious.

He quickly used the Sonic on the metal cuffs around her ankles, he had just finished when she sat up suddenly. She quickly scrabbled away from him, half stepping and half falling off the table, too weak to stand.

'River it's me.' The Doctor cautiously stepped towards her. 'It's okay, I'm going to get you out of here.'

'Don't touch me.' River shouted, cowering away, curling herself into as small a ball as possible.

'River?' The Doctor asked. 'Do you know who I am?'

River tentatively looked up at him. 'You're the Doctor.' She said her voice cracked and hesitant. Her eyes began to dart around the room, not focussing on anything. 'You're the oncoming storm, the lonely god. You're my Sweetie. No, you're the predator, the destroyer of worlds.'

River was quickly becoming more frantic. The Doctor moved towards her, wanting to comfort her.

'I said DON'T TOUCH ME!' She screamed again. She kicked out violently, forcing the Doctor to retreat once more.

'Doctor.' Jack warned. 'Give her some space.'

'The Silents?' The Doctor asked, not looking away from River.

'Taken care of.' Jack replied. 'Hyper steel, deadlock handcuffs, with built in energy dampeners. Got to love technology.'

'The Shadow Proclamation are sending a team.' The Doctor said. 'I sent another message along with Kovarian. But I don't know what to do now.' The Doctor was still watching River, who was still curled on the floor whimpering.

'Just take it slowly.' Jack suggested. 'Keep talking to her.'

The Doctor edged towards River incredibly slowly. 'River.' He said quietly.

She looked up at him, but it felt like she wasn't really seeing him.

'We just want to help you.' He took another small step closer, now only a couple of feet from her. He slowly took off his tweed jacket. 'You look cold. Do you want this?' He offered it to her, gently placing it down in the space between them, and then sank back on his heels, waiting to see what she would do.

Her eyes still darting around the room, she cautiously uncurled her body slightly and reached for the jacket.

The Doctor almost sighed with relief when River responded. He watched as she pushed herself into a sitting position, he wished he could help, especially when he saw her wince as she put pressure on her obviously broken hand. River carefully brought the jacket over her body, half hugging it to herself.

'Doctor, this is taking too long.' Jack said, breaking the silence. 'We need to leave before the team from the Proclamation get here, I don't think she'll be able to cope with them.'

'But what can we do?' The Doctor asked desperately.

'I have an idea.' Jack replied, he pulled a small aerosol from his pocket and showed it to the Doctor, being sure to keep it out of River's eye line. It was a mild anaesthetic Torchwood had developed, one spray and it would knock you out for forty minutes. 'It's the only way.'

The Doctor looked between the spray and River, he knew Jack was right, from the way River had reacted to the two of them, he knew she wouldn't be able to handle a team of Judoons.

He nodded quickly and Jack immediately sprang forward, spraying the can in River's face before she could react. The Doctor sprang forward, catching her before her head hit the ground.

'Let's go.' He said gruffly.

He carefully manoeuvred himself so he could pick River up, placing one arm under her knees and the other around her body, he gently lifted her so she was cradled against his chest.

The Doctor slowly followed Jack through the now silent warehouse. With River in his arms, he tried to convince himself everything would be fine, but he knew it was not going to be as easy as he wished.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**So what do you guys think? I'd love you to let me know! **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Doctor Who Neil Gaiman would right even more episodes!**


	7. Chapter 7

The Doctor woke with a start, temporarily forgetting where he was. He remembered as he glanced around the room, he was sat in the Thatchit hospital, in an uncomfortable chair, by River's bed.

He closed his eyes again, he had seen the clock, he had not been asleep for long.

The Doctor couldn't believe that it had only been a few hours since they had been at the warehouse.

It had taken him and Jack almost thirty minutes to get River back to the TARDIS, they had had to open the main gates. The Doctor had then immediately brought them to the hospital, but by the time they had got River onto a hospital bed the anaesthetic had worn off.

River had instantly started to fight back once again, seemingly not bothered by her injuries, the doctors had sedated her again, for both their safety and hers.

They had then forced Jack and the Doctor out of the room while they treated her. The Doctor had hated waiting outside, it wasn't that he didn't trust the doctors and nurses, he just wanted to, needed to be with her. He spent the entire time staring through the small glass window of the door, not allowing River to leave his sight.

A doctor had finally emerged after an hour, he explained that they had treated all her physical injuries, and that she should be okay, physically at least. However they were worried about her mental state, there wasn't enough information at the moment, he had said, they would have to wait until River woke up.

The Doctor had quickly pushed his way into her room, and since then had not left her side.

The Doctor opened his eyes, River was still asleep, the sedative still in her system, the Doctor still felt useless, he wanted to be doing something, but he wouldn't leave her, not again.

He sat up, leaning towards River, and delicately brushed some of her hair out of her eyes.

'Please be alright.' He whispered, kissed her forehead and then sat back in the chair, keeping his eyes fixed on her.

The Doctor couldn't exactly pinpoint when River became such an important part of his life, he had always known she would be something special, ever since she had whispered his name in his ear. But now looking back, he couldn't remember when it hit him, when he realised he loved her now, not just knowing someday he would.

As he sat there he thought about all the wonderful things they had done together; some adventures on distant planets, and others simple things, like when he learned her favourite food.

_They had been sat in the TARDIS, he was only wearing his briefs and she his shirt. They had been cooking breakfast together, often distracting each other with chaste kisses and touches, eventually the Doctor managed to actually cook something, omelettes, and she had explained that ever since she could remember omelettes had been her favourite food. _

_He had quickly insisted that all they would ever eat, from that moment on, would be omelettes. River had shaken her head, and said in a meaningful voice, that the best things in life were worth waiting for, enjoyed all the more if they weren't expected._

They hadn't left the kitchen for hours, and the Doctor could distinctly remember them losing the sparse clothing they were wearing to begin with.

* * *

The Doctor didn't notice drifting off again, but when he woke for the second time River was also awake. She was sat cross legged in the centre of her bed, a strip of material in her hands. He quickly realised it was his bow tie, he had taken it off before he had originally gone to sleep, in an attempt to be more comfortable.

The Doctor also noticed that she didn't know he was awake, he was unsure what to do, she seemed calm enough now, but she had reacted so badly before.

He gently cleared his throat, and River quickly turned her head, but she didn't run or shout, the Doctor felt like this was a good sign.

'How are you feeling?' He asked, his voice low.

'Where are my clothes?' River questioned, completely ignoring his inquiry.

'Your clothes?' The Doctor was confused, he sat up straighter in the chair, trying to shake some sleep away, perhaps he had misheard her.

'I want my clothes.' River repeated, her eyes back on his bow tie as she twisted it around in her hands.

'River, your clothes were ruined, do you want me to get you some new ones?'

River nodded, still not looking at him.

The Doctor slowly stood. 'Okay. I'll be right back.'

He kept glancing back as he made his way to the door, but River didn't move.

As soon as he was in the corridor the Doctor almost collapsed against the wall, he didn't know what to think. She was talking, and not screaming which was good, but she seemed so, so distant.

He pushed himself away from the wall, and started towards the TARDIS, all he could do for now, was get River some clothes, at least he was doing something.

It wasn't until he reached his ship that he realised that River never left any normal clothes on the TARDIS. There was an outfit for any era, and every special occasion, but nothing 'ordinary'. He grabbed one of his old t shirts and a pair of khaki shorts, they'd have to do, he also picked up a pair of boxers, hoping River would be okay with them.

As the Doctor reached the console room, Jack appeared from the other corridor, he had stayed in the TARDIS overnight.

'How is she Doctor?' He asked, as he walked towards him.

'I'm not sure.' The Doctor admitted. 'She was awake, but not really, there, you know?'

'It will take time, be patient.' Jack said, clapping a hand on the Doctor's shoulder. 'I'll come back in with you, grab some food.'

When they got back to River's room there was a nurse standing outside, and the Doctor could here raised voices from inside.

'Are you the Doctor?' The nurse asked.

The Doctor nodded quickly.

'Thank god.' The nurse said. 'She's refusing to let anyone near her, she's just asking for 'her Doctor'. You'd better go straight in.'

The second the Doctor entered the room, River leapt off the bed, running to him and throwing her arms around him.

'Don't let them touch me.' River said, tears running down her cheeks. 'I don't want them to touch me.'

'They're just trying to help honey.' The Doctor said calmly, he had automatically wrapped his arms around her, and was now gently stroking her hair. 'I've brought you some clothes, after you let them check you over you can put them on.'

River didn't say anything, but nodded into the Doctor's shoulder, and allowed him to lead her back over to the bed.

'I won't leave again, I promise.' The Doctor said, as he helped her sit down.

After some convincing, River lay down again calmly enough, until the Doctor went to pull his hand from hers, at which point she shot back up, pleading him not to leave her. In end the Doctor was perched on the side of River's bed as she lay there, reluctantly letting the doctors do their job.

After they had finished the Doctor helped her change, he was still surprised by how comfortable she now was in his presence, not even perturbed by her own nudity, but then River Song never had been, maybe it was a trait she had remembered, or retained.

A few moments passed before the Doctor noticed someone motioning for him to come outside, it was River's doctor.

'River, I'm going to have to go outside, just for a minute.' He said sweetly, but she immediately started shaking. 'I know, I've got a really good friend waiting outside, how about I get him to sit with you.' River looked up at him, she looked so innocent, swamped in his t shirt, with unshed tears filling her eyes. 'His name's Jack, I trust him completely.' Eventually she nodded, the Doctor pressed a kiss to her forehead and slowly walked away.

'Jack.' The Doctor said after opening the door. 'Can you sit with River please?'

'Of course, about time I met your missus.'

'So Dr Song.' River's doctor started, the Doctor smiled slightly, he may have used the psychic paper when they first came to the hospital. 'Your wife is fine, physically, but psychologically the picture is not so clear, you said she was tortured?' The Doctor nodded solemnly. 'We think she is repressing the memory of the incident, which is obviously causing her confusion, which is leading to the behaviour she is currently exhibiting.' He paused allowing the Doctor to take it all in. 'We'd like her to talk to someone about it, but as she is refusing to talk to anyone but you, we were wondering, what sort of doctor are you?'

'Coincidentally, psychology.' The Doctor lied.

'Perfect.' River's doctor smiled. 'And you wouldn't mind dealing with this, it's a bit unorthodox I know, but considering the circumstances...'

'Of course.' The Doctor quickly replied, it would be best if River spoke to him, and if it didn't work they could go somewhere else, he would take her anywhere in the Universe, just to make her happy again. He shook the doctor's hand and returned to River's room.

The second the Doctor was within arm's reach of River, she grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to her, until he was once again sat on the bed with her, one arm hugging her to him.

'River we need to talk about what happened.' The Doctor said quietly, watching as Jack left the room.

River shook her head, burrowing into the Doctor's side.

'River.' He pleaded. 'Please talk to me.'

She continued to ignore him, still hiding her head against his shoulder, the Doctor kept talking to her. After a while he stop trying to convince her to talk, and instead told her stories, some about them, some about other companions.

It didn't take long, with his soft voice in her ear, for River to fall asleep.

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**Author's Note: Hi all, hope you are still enjoying this fanfic, it's almost over I'm afraid... Don't forget to review :)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Doctor Who there would never have been 16 year hiatus!**


	8. Chapter 8

The next day River and the Doctor left the hospital, River still wouldn't talk about what happened with him, but the Doctor hoped she would feel safer on the TARDIS. He knew she was still terrified, she jumped every time someone entered her room, hopefully the quiet and solitude of his ship would help.

Luckily she was now just about comfortable in Jack's presence, as the Doctor had asked him to stick around for a while. He knew Jack had more experience with this sort of thing.

They were standing in the small reception of the hospital, near to the little shop at the exit, and the Doctor was signing the last of River's discharge forms, while hugging River to his side with his free arm.

'Are you sure you want to leave?' He asked her quietly.

River nodded vigorously, keeping herself tucked into the Doctor's body.

Finally all the paperwork was complete and they were able to leave, the Doctor leading the way as they headed towards the TARDIS.

The Doctor was half hoping that when River entered the TARDIS, something would 'click', and she would suddenly return to normal, but he knew it wouldn't happen like that. This process wouldn't be instant or easy, but he would not let it fail, he would devote everything to getting River back to her old self, it was his fault she was this was anyway.

He waved a one handed hello to Jack, who was standing by the console, as they continued further into the ship. It didn't take long for them to reach their bedroom, the Doctor refused to let himself think about how much had changed since the last time they had been in there.

River immediately lay down on the bed, curling herself into a ball in the very centre, and pulling the Doctor with her. He wrapped his body around her small frame, holding her tightly to him.

It took him a few seconds to realise why River's body was shaking slightly, she was crying, silent tears were streaming down her cheeks.

'Your safe now River.' The Doctor said into her ear, as he pulled her tighter against her. 'I won't let them hurt you again, I promise.' He was now crying to. 'I love you so much River, I know I don't say it, but I do, more than the entire Universe.'

They stayed wrapped together for hours, eventually River fell into an uneasy sleep, but the Doctor remained wide awake, he gently untangled himself from River, being careful not to wake her. River only murmured in her sleep, and curled into a tighter ball.

The Doctor leant over and pressed a kiss to her forehead, and whispered 'I love you.' He vowed never to let her leave his sight without telling her, even if she couldn't hear him.

Jack was still in the console room when the Doctor entered it, sitting on the bench cleaning his gun.

'You do realise they're self cleaning now?' He asked the Captain.

'I like doing it, it let's you properly get to know your weapon.' Jack replied, looking up at the Doctor as he put the gun away.

'Not that that is necessarily a good thing.'

'Come on Doctor.' Jack said, a grin on his face. 'I know there is someone you like who uses a gun.' The Doctor shot him a confused look before he continued speaking. 'I looked up your wife earlier, quite a history, even I'm impressed.'

'River's not my wife.' The Doctor said, 'yet.' He added under his breath. 'And there are some things we have a, um...' He hesitated. '...difference of opinion on.' The Doctor blushed, as some memories flashed through his mind, he turned quickly before Jack could point it out and start asking awkward questions.

'How's she doing?' Jack asked, thankfully not picking up on the Doctor's flushed cheeks.

'She's sleeping, but she just won't talk to me Jack. I want to help her, but she won't let me.'

'Give her some time Doc, she's been through a lot.' Jack walked over to him and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. 'Just be there for her, trust me it will help.'

A few seconds of silence settled over the console room, the Doctor stared at the scanner, he needed to take them somewhere, they were still parked just outside the hospital. However before he had decided on a destination, a scream shattered the silence.

The Doctor and Jack instantly turned and ran towards the sound.

River was awake, she was still in the centre of the large bed, but now sat with her knees up, arms wrapped tightly around them. She was shaking violently, tremors running throughout her body, and tears were running down both her cheeks.

River didn't move when Jack and the Doctor entered, she didn't react to their presence in any way. As the Doctor hesitantly approached her, he couldn't help thinking back to when they had found her at the warehouse, at least this time she wasn't physically injured, just scared witless.

'River.' He said softly, trying to force the image of her writhing in pain from his mind, seeing her like that had made him angry, and right now he needed to stay calm. 'It's just me love.' He looked back to check, and Jack had indeed kept his distance, hovering by the door.

As the Doctor closed the gap between them River slowly shuffled backwards, until her back hit the headboard. 'No-one is going to hurt you River.' He still moved closer, now sat on the edge of the bed, only a foot from her. She didn't move away anymore, so the Doctor continued his steady approach.

Eventually he was sat right next to her, he gently lifted her right hand to his lips, and gently kissed it. 'You're safe Love, I promise.'

River neither resisted, not responded, the Doctor kissed her knuckles again and then dropped her hand back to her knees and placed an arm around her instead.

After a few moments she collapsed against him, tears still streaming down her cheeks. 'You left again.' She cried into his shoulder. 'You always leave.'

The Doctor quickly wrapped his other arm around her too, and buried his head in her hair. 'I won't, not again.' He promised, he was fighting back tears of his own. He knew it was true, they blamed it on the timelines, but it always happened. He always left. If he hadn't left her before, none of this would have happened. 'I'm so sorry River, it's all my fault.'

As they sat there, River held tightly in his arms, her sobs became more violent, her breath catching between them.

'Doc.' Jack said from the doorway. 'I think she's having a panic attack.'

Jack was right, the Doctor could practically hear River's racing pulse, and she was obviously finding it harder to breath.

'River.' He spoke calmly, tilting her head up so she had to look into his eyes. As their eyes met he could see the panic and confusion flooding hers. 'You need to calm down love. Try to breath deeply.' The Doctor took slow breaths too, hoping it would help her follow suit.

He kept talking to her as she focused on her breathing, reassuring her with quiet whispers. As they continued he casually placed his fingers on her wrist, her pulse was slowing, now nearly back to normal.

The Doctor stayed with her this time when she fell asleep, he stayed all night, just lay there watching her. Every time she stirred, or murmured, or did anything that could possibly be to do with ear having a nightmare he pressed a kiss to her forehead. Even if it didn't make any difference, he liked to think it might, it could possibly be helping her sleep more easily.

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**Author's Note: **

**Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. But I hope you enjoyed it. :-) Forgive me. **

**Disclaimer: I'm still wishing...**


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